Why Do We Fall in Love With Who We Fall in Love With?

Common questions that come up in therapy are: “Why do I attract the same sort of partners?” or “Why do I keep getting involved with partners who are not good for me?” or “Why to the same patterns keep happening in my relationships?”.

Examples of common patterns are:

• I always fall for partners who are unavailable.
• I always feel I love my partner and I am more committed to the relationship than he/she is. This leaves me feeling insecure and on edge that he/she will leave me.
• My partner drinks to much. I hate it. My Dad/Mum used to drink, and I vowed I would never get involved with a drinker. How did this happen?
• I always attract critical partners and I never feel good enough despite how much I try to make them happy.
• I always end up with with people who are self-centered, and I chronically feel taken for granted and used.

Schema focused therapy (SFT) is often a good therapeutic approach to help people better understand relationship patterns. Most importantly, SFT can help people break maladaptive relationship patterns which no longer serve them. Schemas are clusters of negative belief and assumptions. Click on the link for more information and a list of schemas.

Here is a short video clip (from a SFT perspective) about love types and explains why we fall in love with who we fall in love with. There have been various explanations. Freud, for example, observed relationship patterns as repetitive and somewhat compulsive. He described the tendency of adults to repeat the traumatic interpersonal experiences/events of childhood with the unconscious hope of later “changing the script”.

Hence, our unconscious minds are deeply involved in our personal choices and our past interpersonal experiences have powerful impacts on our present adult relationships. Our partner of choice is influenced by our unconscious minds more than our rational preferences. Therefore, the partner that we unconsciously ‘choose’ is often dauntingly similar, warts and all (especially the warts) to the caretakers (e.g., parents) who raised us. We are attracted to what is familiar to us, and therefore our partners can be woefully similar to our caretakers during childhood (Hendrix, 2011).

If we take the example mentioned above, “My partner drinks too much. I hate it. My Dad/Mum used to drink, and I vowed I would never get involved with a drinker. How did this happen?”  This could be a case of a young girl who was hurt repeatedly by disappointments involving her alcoholic father may choose a high-risk spouse to [unconsciously] replay (or re-enact] old dramas. She is likely to be easily hooked, usually with co-dependent beleifs like “This is someone who really needs me”. Its easy to repeat but harder to change.

Often the needs that we seek to meet in our adult intimate relationships (such as nurturance, acceptance, acknowledgement, security, limits and boundaries) are typically the needs that were not met during childhood. We unconsciously select our intimate partners in an attempt to resolve unfinished business from our past relationships. Unresolved needs from childhood are replayed/re-enacted in adult relationships. When the dynamics of attraction and love are out of our awareness, its inevitable that self-sabotaging and destructive patterns will be repeated.

An example of schema therapy and repeated negative patterns is provided in the an article from Oprah Magazine about schema therapy for relationships, click here

In this example outlined in the article, Dan has a defectiveness schema and believes he is defective, flawed and not good enough. He was attracted to Chloe who was very critical of him, despite being in love with him and afraid to lose him. Chloe’s criticism was familiar to Dan who was raised by a mother who was critical, and favoured his older brother and his father told him he was incompetent.

In schema work, Dan could be encouraged to stay away from critical partners or learn be more accepting of himself and to be more assertive and set boundaries when he feels criticism and

Chloe, on the other hand, appears to have the Unrelenting Standards and Expectations, schemas and possibly Failure and Abandonment Schemas. As a child, her family made her feel that, unless she achieved exceptionally high standards, she was a total failure.  She strived hard to meet her partners expectations to avoid rejection and abandonment. Chloe is likely to be extremely hard on herself as well as others and is likely to be perfectionistic.  In schema work Chloe could be encouraged to be more accepting of herself and others; to challenge her unrelenting standards, and work toward lowering her standards of self and others.

If you are aware of patterns in your relationship and identify with this blog, you may wish to seek therapy to identify, better understand, and work toward breaking maladaptive patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. And/or consider some self-directed therapy with recommended texts:

• Reinventing your life: How to break free of life patterns by Jeffrey Young
• Wired for Love How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin
• Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns: a schema therapy self-help and support book by Bruce A. Stevens