The most common profession for my clients who are struggling with stress and wellbeing?
Law.
Followed by health professionals – particularly doctors, nurses and medical students…
The pressures and environments of these roles certainly have a strong part to play but personality factors such as have very high self expectations and being self sacrificing also have a large impact.
When we are feeling good, it is easier to keep self doubt at bay. For most people, it is still there to some degree but its day to day impact is minimal. However when we go through periods of prolonged external challenge or even ill health, that lurking doubting part of your mind becomes more “sticky” and we can find ourselves working really hard to cover the fact that deep down, despite how hard you have worked, or how much you have achieved, you feel not good enough, and worse still, people will find you to be inadequate in some way. It is a painful and relentless self doubt which we defend against by either overcompensation – working harder and harder, avoiding letting people down, always raising and meeting the next goalpost – in the hope that we can get to a point where it will finally be enough, when we can finally relax, and be happy. Or perhaps we go the other way and stay in a safe but frustratingly mundane zone where we avoid new challenges and situations where we might be judged.
Often in the early career stage, we look forward to the time that we will be so confident and knowledgeable and that everything will become so much easier. Yet 5, 10, 30 years down the track the fear of “not good enough” is still a permanent resident in our mind which tends to come out when your energy and stamina is down.
Our mind is now exposed to thousands of representations of other people and the vision of happiness and “success” every day to a degree that didn’t exist a hundred years ago. Our minds have a very strong hard wired push to make sure that we fit in with the tribe – because failing to do so from an evolutionary point of view meant that we risked isolating and dying if we didn’t! So our brain continues to mentally compare our situation with every piece of data including the thousands of marketing and social media messages and very often, leaves us feeling wanting or the hint that there is something wrong with us.
If you have had a day which has primed the brain’s negativity bias to be on guard, perhaps if you haven’t been sleeping or eating well, you had an argument with your partner, or you feel like a bad parent because you have been preoccupied… then this unconscious and automatic comparing will be especially heightened – all that is required is a trigger – perhaps something that happens at work or a series of frustrations to initiate a downward spiral.
What we see in other people is often the parts that they most want to show the world – competence and confidence. For our brain it is not the norm to be exposed to much data in terms of how common self doubt or the eroding “not good enough” is experienced by other people. Particularly if you work in certain professions such as the medical or legal field where you tend to learn to develop a professional facade very early in on your career or work in an organisational culture. This can feel isolating and heighten the sense of not measuring up so we continue to work harder to avoid being “found out” – this is quite common feeling, ironically amongst people who score most highly on conscientiousness and we give it the term “Imposter Syndrome“.
Real growth occurs when we get to a position (perhaps with a little help along the way!) where we can mindfully recognise and acknowledge self doubt moments in a way that we can respond differently rather than going into overcompensating or avoiding modes. Some of the most refreshing professional experiences I have had involve people that I admire greatly for their professionalism and accomplishments confess to feeling sometimes crippling self doubt or anxiety. It is moving through these periods that actually creates confidence and resiliency. One of the most memorable talks I have been to involved the presenter confessing that even though he had been presenting for years, he still felt quite intense anxiety every time he gave a presentation, including right at that moment and by sharing that with the room, it made his experience and insights so much more relatable and thus valuable. I found myself admiring this highly experienced clinician much more rather than less.
In the work that I do as a Clinical Psychologist, it has taken many years to trust my judgement and to “make room” for all of the uncomfortable emotions that life can bring us at times and there are times when it still can get on top of me occasionally which I see as being very normal. It is an honour to be able to get to know my clients on a much deeper level and to have them share and work through all of the doubts and insecurities that can arise at different times in our lives and our careers. We can’t just get rid of those challenging aspects of our thoughts and emotions but we can learn to relate to them in a much different way and from a different vantage point so that they have less power and potential to block us from living our own version of a “rich full meaningful life” and that can be so freeing.
Rather than adding mental fuel to self doubt when it visits our thoughts and feelings, it is possible to learn to gently acknowledge and detach from these messages which come from a fearful and defensive part of our oldest brain areas. Among the most effective teachers, mentors and bosses are often those that are able to share their full experiences – particularly times they have struggled, because it is by sharing these experiences that people can truly relate and be empowered to go beyond their comfort zone. Finding a progressive workplace whose leadership supports work life balance helps people to function at optimal levels for the longer term rather than becoming overworked and burnt out. However this is not always possible in the short term, so finding ways to minimise the impact of a challenging environment is important. Moments of self doubt and feeling not good enough still appear from time to time, but when you learn to detach and stop adding mental fuel, they have so much less pull and tend to come and go more quickly rather than sticking around like velcro in your mind..
Shannon Yeardley is a Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Brisbane Wellbeing – A psychological health and wellbeing clinic focused on mental health support for professionals in a warm and collegiate environment. www.brisbanewellbeing.com.au