Living with Grief

Grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one. It is an incredibly painful experience
and one which we are all likely to experience at some point in our life, yet everyone grieves
in their own way. We often hear that grief occurs in stages and while you will likely
experience each of these stages at some point along your journey, they don’t truly reflect the
experience of loss. The process is not linear.

Grief is awful. It affects every dimension of your lived experience. When it happens, you
might have a powerful embodied, psychological, behavioural, and spiritual response. You
might not be able to think straight or digest the reality of your loss. It feels literally
unbelievable. You might feel disoriented, shocked, numb, and dizzy, and you might
experience physical pain, anxiety, panic, headaches, nausea, and short term memory loss,
among many other physical manifestations. You might feel a whole range of conflicting
emotions like love, sadness, anger, and even relief. Your sleep patterns and appetite may
change, and you might find yourself constantly crying or finding it difficult to cry at all. You
may experience one or all of these, among others. This is completely normal and a natural
part of the process of grief. Whatever you are feeling, remind yourself that everyone has their
own personal journey and that what you are going through is normal.

Here are some things you can do to get through this difficult time.

• Focus on self care. This might include a daily routine of getting washed and dressed,
  eating, drinking enough water, getting some exercise, going outside for some fresh
  air, meditating, and connecting with a friend.
• Try to open to any support that you have around you. Grief can feel incredibly
  alienating and lonely, and this can make it difficult to be around people. Take the time
  you need but try to connect with those you are close to. It is said that we are not the
  survival of the fittest but the survival of the nurtured, meaning that we nurture
  ourselves and each other into healing. Allowing yourself to feel and express your
  feelings in the presence of someone you feel emotionally safe with will help you to
  integrate your loss, experience reparative healing, and begin to move towards a place
  in your grief that feels tolerable.
• Make room for your grief. This can be so difficult to do but anxiety, depression, and dissociation happen when we are trying to get away from ourselves and our bodies. It
  is so important that you normalise your grief – wherever you are in your journey – by
  accepting it without judgment and criticism. Shining a compassionate light on your
  inner world is one of the best things you can do to heal. It is also important to know
  that we can’t selectively suppress our feelings, so if you block out the pain you will
  also block out pleasure, love, and joy. If you find that you are consistently in a dark
  space and not able to feel any positive feelings for a period of two weeks or more,
  then you might need to seek professional support.

• Continue your relationship with your loved one. Grief is love, and you are now moving from loving them in presence to loving them in absence. You might think in terms of ‘spending time’ with them by doing something they liked to do, or something which you enjoyed doing together. Dedicate time to honouring them and the love that you shared.

• Prioritize your general wellbeing. Do things that feel healthy and nurturing. Allow yourself time for some gentle distraction. Do the things that feel good or which at least give you a moment of respite from your pain, like walking in nature, taking a warm bath, or any activity that you ordinarily enjoy.

When you are thrown into grief it may feel like your life has no meaning. You are faced with
a violation of your assumptions about the world, calling into question your sense of safety,
control, justice, and coherence. Accepting the loss of your loved one means truly learning to
accept that life is fragile and finite.

Grieving calls on us to navigate a new reality and to grapple with a reinvention and
rediscovery of who we now are and who we choose to be after the loss. To reconstruct the
new without forgetting the old. When we truly learn that life is finite, we understand the
importance of holding life both intimately and lightly. To be here and be present for this life
which is beautiful, difficult, and perplexing, not despite but because of the fact that it is finite.
This is incredibly difficult to do when you are faced with devastating loss. Therapy can help
you in your grief journey. With time and support, your grief can lead you towards an
authentic appreciation of life and guide you to invest in the relationships and experiences that
truly matter to you.

In my practice, I am continually reminded of the way that we as humans have an
extraordinary inner capacity for resilience and transformation no matter what is happening.
But it can take time. If you are grieving, please know that no matter how dark it feels it is not
hopeless. While your grief will always be with you, it will soften and you will learn to live
alongside it. If you need to, reach out to someone who can help. With time and the right type
of support, you will heal.